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Saturday, 29-Apr-2017 19:11:01 EDT
ask sean: friends with benefits
SEAN MICHAEL
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DATING AND RELATIONSHIP ADVICE (Mature content. 18yrs+)

IS IT CHEATING IN A FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS RELATIONSHIP?

SEL asks:
I guess it's a matter of personal preference but, when my boyfriend and I first met, it took three weeks of hanging out before I slept with him. We never had the talk about relationships – not what we were looking for, what we were doing, nor did we label what we had. I considered him my boyfriend, he considered me a 'friend with benefits'. About three months later, he finally considered me his girlfriend.

A week ago, one of his female friends accused him of cheating. After much discussion, the conclusion is he never did what she claimed – at least not when she claimed it – and that she's jealous that he picked me over her.

But apparently they did sleep together that summer.

Doing the timeline, he slept with her when he considered me his 'friend with benefits'. Because we never labelled what we had, he says he didn't cheat. I can understand from his point of view that we were not officially monogamous but I'm a little more traditional than that – I sleep with one person at a time and we were in a sexual relationship. Since I was unaware of this girl, I say he cheated.

What's the majority on this complicated one? Did he or didn't he cheat?

SEAN says:
It is the role of the masculine to define the relationship; the role of the feminine to nurture it. It looks like neither of you took on the masculine role in this case. If the masculine says that 'we are dating but free to date others' and the feminine accepts that, then fine. But if neither defines nor accepts it, then it's a free for all.

He might think that he didn't cheat because you two weren't locked in and yet you still feel a betrayal. In the future, make sure everything is defined at the beginning and none of this will happen.


Do you have a question?


I WASN'T READY FOR A NEW DOG YET – BUT SHE GOT ONE ANYWAY

IF asks:
This past summer I had to put the family dog down for health reasons. The last six months of her life were very taxing and stressful for me.

Three months ago, my wife told me she wanted another dog. I told her that I was not ready and to wait until Spring to see how I feel. She began looking at dogs online and was set on getting another one.

Tonight, she texted me at work to tell me there will be a dog waiting when I get home.

I feel very disrespected, like my opinion doesn't matter. And like I am nothing but a financial support for her and our three kids.

What would you do? Friends have suggested denying her sex – which isn't a bad idea but it's only 2-4 times per month these days... and very 'vanilla'.

I don't know what to do. Shaking my head.

SEAN says:
During my Christmas visit at my parents' house, the family dog would bark at them for food, when she needed to pee, to beg for their food, etc. The turkey dinner was interrupted by her whining throughout. The next morning, Mom made me a turkey sandwich that I ate in the living room. The dog saw me eating but didn't beg or even hang around me – she just went to beg Mom for food in the kitchen.

Mom was in shock because she can't even pretend to have food without a whining dog around her. I told her it's because from day one, I was the alpha with her – I trained her to sit and lay down and dance etc. In turn, my parents have let my dog become the alpha and they do her bidding by feeding her when she asks, feeding her from the table, answering her call when she wants a walk, and so on. The dog is the boss of the house until I come to visit in which case, the alpha role defers to me.

This has happened with you and your wife. You didn't take the alpha role from the get go and now she will always have it. The alpha role is 100% or nothing. If you are only 99% alpha, someone else will challenge you for that role. If you want to change this, you have to challenge her and take on the role completely.

Or stop complaining when you don't get your turn to lead.

That said, you might consider spending some time with a marriage counsellor. There seems to be a lot of damage here, specifically by the loss of intimacy. You'll likely need to rebridge that gap between you first.

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Sean Michael is an enigma wrapped in a riddle and his bio is none of your business.

Sean Michael
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Mature content. 18yrs+

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Ask Sean is an advice column to be used for informational and for entertainment purposes only. By submitting a letter to this website, you grant SayItCanada permission to publish it on this site or elsewhere including print publications. Your name and email address will never be included or distributed. Due to the large number of letters received, there is no guarantee that a question will be responded to.

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